I’m A Hecking Caterpillar

Not even two months into my exchange, I got dumped. I took it pretty hard, but not for the reasons you may think. This boyfriend was the last part of my old life in America-the last part of me that I couldn’t bring myself to let go of the during this confusing, emotionally-split time.

As most exchanges go, everything can be extremely uncomfortable. I don’t really have anyone; at times I don’t even have myself. Nothing has really changed in my life other than disappearing from my country.

I think that because of how uncomfortable the change can be, the culture shock put me into a bit of a panic. I desperately held onto what was familiar even though it wasn’t what was best. (disclaimer, my relationship did end on excellent terms + are still friends. not dramatic at all).

Growing up-let alone in a foreign country-is tough stuff. I like to channel my innermost thoughts and feelings into writing because emotion is powerful. It is not a sign of weakness, but of growth.

old friends in alaska, 2017. got love for you all

I’m gonna be pretty honest here: I am kind of afraid of change. Not knowing what’s coming at all, especially in a foreign country, is pretty scary. As in punch-in-the-gut level scary. Stuff like accidentally-dropping-my-airpod-in-a-gross-public-toilet could happen (which actually did).

However, now that I am 5 whole months (almost halfway!) into this exchange, I've discovered that anyone could do it. It’s more than this terrifying, liberating experience that seems impossible to go through with.

A very wise high school English teacher once taught me that courage isn’t the absence of fear, but the comprehension that it’s worth taking the risk. Every day of exchange a person has to focus on the blessings no matter how many things are going wrong.

Yes, there are bad days when everything is falling apart. Days that I feel like if I eat one more potato I am going home. Times I don't even recognize myself or the person I'm becoming. But isn't that apart of growing up?

There is a lot of stuff in life we can’t really put a label on. It’s those things I’ve come to have a special appreciation for. The other day I watched this real cheesy Christmas movie on Netflix called “The Knight Before Christmas”. The title even sounds dumb but hear me out. The protagonist says ”Can’t you believe things can exist beyond what we are limited to understand?”.

This line really hit me, and it wasn't even the romantic part of the movie. Right then and there I realized that it's important to trust in your process whilest you try to figure life out, because life will always throw you curveballs and that is not a bad thing. If we always knew how to swing, then the game would not be interesting and no one would care about baseball.

Part of it is doing your best to do the right thing-even if you don't end up doing that-but the most important part is believing in yourself.

That’s all folks. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.